LOST!

What happens when all your life support systems are shutdown??? Death!

That’s how I feel… sans all that I valued most either taken away from me or distanced from me. My life’s most important pillars are no more there for me the way they used to.

I will survive… but I do not know about the quality of it.

Confusions & Marriage

At 24, I assumed one generally tends to be in some state of clarity with regard to what’s wanted in life. Contrary to my assumption, I seem have no idea on anything that’s of any consequence. Status quo would have been just fine, but the sudden urgency that folks at home seem to have about my settling down – or in one word Marriage, is quite unsettling for my languid existence.

My sentiments are mirrored in all those twenty something Indian girls who are pursued by their parents to get married. The reasons given are “We want to see you happily married and settled” or “It is a great responsibility.” … “You are now twenty-…. It is the right time for you to be married” etc etc… the list is endless. In a way it seems alright. But then it is a question of my entire life and I really would want to take a well-thought out step and most importantly when I think I am ready for it. Within the garbs of freedom come the responsibilities. Quite an irony is what I think. Secondly, they don’t always seem to understand what is this thing called “chemistry” I keep yapping about. Immediately I hear that I should compromise. Agreed! Marriage in itself involves innumerable compromises, but then there is something that I believe in. My sis very neatly framed it, Do not comprise on the guy, compromise with the guy.

If I get married, I would want to be happy on my wedding day. Look forward for spending my life with this guy I totally adore. Be excited about it. But then, I’ll have to watch and see what destiny holds for me. The entire idea of marriage becomes such a big nuisance when you have worried parents and hyper excited relatives whose only aim is to see you married. Everywhere I go, the only thing people ask is when am I getting married. I am sure to tell them as soon as I find a guy, but then for heaven’s sake please allow me to find one. My married and committed friends also seem to have jumped the other side. They are equally vehement about it. Net result of all this is that I feel am thirty plus, very old and past an age where I can secure a ‘Suitable boy’.

All this does make me pretty indifferent…. But then, wish u all a happy and peaceful existence, irrespective of the fact whether you are single, hitched or married.

Swings

Sometimes its just tad depressing for no point whatsoever. Everything simply seems an absolute waste. A lack of enthu or anything that’s left of it. Wonder what causes this void. This complete feeling of being stranded in an abyss and nothing that I do seems to lift me from here.

Does this happen to all? Or am I one of those few souls who end up feeling absolutely lonely in spite of the fact I have everyone around.

I hate being morbid!

Health

One visit to the hospital and one realises how truly blessed we are. Going as a visitor may not make one realise but if one is going for some medication that’s when it hits the hardest.

Life is very valuable and spending it cribbing or angry merely wastes its purpose. Tuesdays with Morrie.. a lovely book.. in that Morrie talks about the way Buddhist monks start their day. They assume a bird is sitting on their shoulder and ask if today is the day… and live it as their last.

A preachy blog… but then…Live life to the fullest and keep smiling 🙂

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Chandler and Monica adopt twins and are now moving out in to a new house in the suburbs to start a new life. Phoebe is married found her guy. Rachel found a new job in Paris and is flying away. Ross, just realized that he is in love with Rachel and Joe now has the apartment to himself. That was the last episode of the Friends. The way in which Joe tried to reconcile Chandler’s moving out after the game board was broken and their uncomfy hug, that they silently conveyed. The way Phoebe raced Ross to the airports, to make sure he didn’t miss that one last chance to have Rachel back. Or the six keys being put back by each one of them were far too much to be put in words.

My Friends are such important and integral elements, for me they seem to be the fabric with which my life is woven. Each one representing various hues that make my life as good as it can ever be. This post is to all those special people in my life who have been there for me. Seen me through my little ups and downs and supported me all through.

At a juncture in life today, I hope and pray that they will always be a phone call away. For I am definitely going to be there for all of them, ALWAYS.

Thank you.

At work

I have been working for the last one year now in one of countries most prestigious organisations. Hmmm…..

If I put it into words like this then I feel nice about the whole thing, but in my daily routine I do not find things at all so very great. The gloss is what covers all the places whether its a premier institute or organisation or a profession.

My life in the last one year has changed tremendously but in spite of all these changes there are certain things common with regard to my professional life….

I haven’t had any special bonding towards my workplace or organisation.

My detachment with regard to the ongoings and the people has been just the same. Its a care a damn attitude that sets into me or rather prevails when it concerns my life at work. Yes, I want to do the job well and prove my worth but it doesn’t drive me to sit in the office for long hours or be totally committed to it.

This could be because of one main reason….My dislike towards the work.

The work I do is really not what I want to do…..well I do it purely because its a good career move and also because of the independence I achieve with the kind of remuneration paid.

I do not deny that I have had the experience of my life because of the opportunity provided by my work….but yet its the ocaasional distress that gets into me that tells me am not in the place I am supposed to be.

Reading all this ….I might sound kinda pessimistic..down in dumps and all..but on the contrary am feeling very nice about the fact that I am able to visualise all this clearly. My ideas and aims will not get clouded because of the ongoing chores….the detachment helps me to get back to them.

There is yet another thing I have realised about myself…..

I am capable of actually putting in a lot of effort that I think was incapable of…. I am a better person.

Now I need to work towards being the very best 🙂

My recent interviews with my close friends revealed a lot to me…. I realised that I am not as clear in expressing myself and keep them busy as to what could be the reason for a particular kind of behaviour……

I guess I have the knack of keeping people busy 😉

I hope I am atleast more explicit about myself in future.

Things that matter

There are a number of things that matter a lot, but the pertinent question is do everything that we presume to matter really require so much of consideration.

My CAT exam was an utter disaster. I did not expect it to be that way. My view towards it and all were fine and was pretty confident. There is something amiss. Its very irritating to have this happen over and over again. I could have, probably done it better without preparing.

Well I did feel that I was prepared to face the consequences, but inspite of all that, the outcome has been most disheartening. I believed that I will make it this year.

I want to sound hopeful and optimistic, but its not making me feel better and however hard I choose to ignore it and react in a positive manner, am quite unable to do it.

There are times when everything seems so desolate. I know this is not the end of my world. I know this was not my final aim either. It was one of the many means to get where I want to. In spite of all these things being registered in my head…I presume my heart requires a while longer to be normal.

It has had to take a number of setbacks this year. There have been many memorable moments also…but all in all I have been through numerous situations, which were very novel to me.

This year has been the epitome of Change.