Half a decade ago….

The story started with an innocent, dull and very civil email.

It was the very first time this day that I had made my first contact with a man who, if things worked out, could be my future husband. As destiny would have it, he responded to my email in a manner that made me very happy. It was a long, flawlessly written email and my first reaction to it was – “He knows English!” Yes, as biased it may sound, I needed my partner to communicate in English as fluently I could and this was non-negotiable.

To add to that list, I had a lot of other things too. But now that I think about how our 15 day email exchange moved to telephone calls and eventually at the end of three weeks we both happened I to say a “Yes” to each other, I honestly did not check a number of things. In this case, I just let my heart decide and by God’s grace it worked!

One of hubs’ close friend had once asked me about what was it that you wanted in a guy and how did hubs qualify It was the first time I actually had said this to someone outside, but my answer was simple – “He had surpassed all that I wanted in a guy. There was really nothing else I wanted in my partner.”

I suppose it was the same conviction that led me to enjoy our courtship and later our wedding day and which continues to work in our marriage too. It is so tough to keep a relationship going strong for years and years. We have had our ups and downs and been mad with each other. But all in all, I couldn’t have asked for someone else who takes care of me, respects my family, friends and my interests and adores our daughter (I know I need not mention the last one), but I honestly couldn’t have managed taking care of our daughter without hubs.

So here is a big hug and loads of kissies for the romantic month of March that will be for us.

Girl Friends

In this increasing busy and uncertain life which seems to run faster than we can cope it is good to know that you can rely on some very few things and people who are always there for (in spite of being spread across the world and divided by hemispheres).

I am talking about my other support system which is equally and sometimes even has been more important than my family. It is increasingly becoming necessary to have another piece/pieces of you with whom you can share your joys and sorrows unabashedly. They are my girl friends.

As a part of my support system apart from mom and sis, I have roughly more than a dozen chosen pieces of me: the women who are there for ‘me’. I call them ‘pieces of me’ because they reflect a lot of my thoughts and actions which make me what I am and have their unique characteristics which make them so great. They understand the reason behind my cribs, my frustrations, we deal with men and their idiosyncrasies, babies and tantrums and even much before that marriage required or not kinda questions. So the range of off-loading varies from a one of day’s blues – bad day at work -bad fight with someone – life threatening crisis, etc. to the many joyous achievements and occasions life puts in.

In order to function sanely, I feel this support is absolutely required and a must. This post is dedicated to all those women without whom life would never be the same as it is right now.

Thanks for being there!

Trust – Series 1

Trust is an interesting concept. You tend to apply it in every sphere – relationships, business, career and so on. There are times when we do not even think about its relevance and apply it unknowingly.

Let us look at relationships. If I do not trust the concept of love, then the chances of falling in love, in spite of all the pitfalls that love offers, would be as good as zilch. And what would really be life without the love of that special person? I realize from personal experience that it means a tremendous lot. You only realize its value when you get to experience it – even if it is for a short time. Irony strikes and most skeptics are in a fix. They want to know, if by falling in love we tend to hurt ourselves, time and again, then why should we try at all? Is it really worth to find that special person and fall in love?Agreed it seems like a catch 22 situation, but then that’s exactly where the concept of trust kicks in. Until and unless, you do not allow yourself to be completely involved in a relationship, you could never do justice to the relationship, to the person and most importantly to yourself. It would be a simple waste of time and a total disrespect offered to the other person. In order to find out if there is a future to your relationship and to know if this time around this person is really ‘the’ one, then you have to simply get into the relationship and be completely committed. There are no other percentages involved except 100%. Yes, the pitfalls are a plenty and your precious heart gets hurt and we all know that broken heart is the toughest to mend. But if you have the trust to find that true love then you shall emerge as a better person, every time anything untoward happens and yes, eventually find the one.

Trusting the fact that you will find the right person, always works! I have numerous people whom I can cite as examples and you have yours truly to corroborate the same. Happen to read a post and felt that there are many out there who doubt the basis of forming the beautiful relationship and I feel they do not trust enough in themselves or have lost hope after a period, but then some are lucky the first time, some aren’t for the nth, yet I feel it is never the time to stop trusting in finding your special someone.

Have you ever loved a woman?

I am a romantic person at heart, an optimist but sometimes a cynic too. It was always my doubt if men related to what Bryan Adams sang in this song – “Have you ever loved a woman?”.

Two years and eight months since I have known him and there never was a moment when I doubted it again. There are some relations that sometimes end up taking a completely new definition in life that one can never imagine and this is definitely it.

I was listening to this song yesterday in the car and it just got me thinking…. and yes, I can surely say, he loves me

Is Sex Everything in a Relationship?

Recently, I happened to watch this movie called – The Mirror Has Two Faces: directed by Barbara Streisand and also, playing the lead with Jeff Bridges. The crux of the story revolves around two middle-aged people who have not been lucky with relationships in the past. Both are professors at Columbia University – the male, mathematics professor is described as ‘Attractive & Boring‘ where as the lady who is the literature professor is said to be ‘Unattractive & Witty‘. Thus with a paper ad starts their arranged courtship where both like each other’s company and their mutual respect and admiration grows with time.

It is interesting to note that the couple does get married with minimal inclination or want for a sexual life. Gregory has come to believe that sex has nothing to do with relationships and that was one of the primary reasons why his past relationships failed. Rose, married Gregory because she liked him. After all these years of rejection from various supposed loves, she felt that marrying someone she likes, even without love would be fine. Their life together is more like two roommates or friends living together. But human mind/heart wants more from life and Rose is no different – she wants more from her marriage. Frustration reigns supreme and when Gregory goes on a summer teaching trip, Rose tries one last ditch attempt to save her marriage. She decides to get into shape and by the time Gregory returns Rose is at her attractive best and tries to woo Gregory.

Consummate means to complete and I feel this word acquires an all new meaning when used with marriage. Personally, I feel that a life to be led without love is totally meaningless. I for one could never imagine committing myself to someone I had no love or respect or attraction. Yes, attraction is also very important. Compatibility comes from understanding each other better and knowing what your partner needs. But this want to know more about this one person, around whom your life revolves, can only come from love. Physical attraction, I feel helps a lot to make this bond even stronger.

Attraction may not be total and complete at the outset, just like Rose and Gregory’s case, but with time anything is possible. Consummating a marriage is nature’s way of making the lovely bond between a couple more meaningful. Sex is definitely not the only thing in a marriage or a relationship, but it helps a great deal in making one’s relationship a whole lot richer and worthy of your precious time to be spent on that one person. I would want to add that it is not just sex, but sense of touch and belonging is also a part of this game. So, what happened to Rose and Gregory, you might want to watch the movie, it’s not bad at all and very well dealt theme too. But, if you have read this post, am sure you can guess the ending by now.

So, if you are in a relationship, make the most of it – in all ways.

The World We Live In

It occurred seeing one of those typical ads that some of the rich men have pretty dumb, snobbish wives. There are three possibilities to this occurrence:

1. That the men don’t want wives who can utilize their brain outside the kitchen/home/beauty care, etc,.
2. The women become this way after getting married into affluent families or may be the nouveau riche
3. These women were simply born this way and those poor rich men didn’t have a choice

Now let us look at each of the above possibilities a little closely. (Does this point by point analysis seem like something you’ve read in your days in school, well, years of study have ingrained this form of analysis, hence I request you to kindly put up with it)

Looking at the first possibility – That the men don’t want wives who can utilize their brain outside the kitchen/home/beauty care, etc,.

I think that this possibly helps men to work with freedom sans the intelligence of the wife, who is supposed to be important in his life. By marrying such a bimbette, the husband has to supply with the materialistic things to keep her happy. In short, he can then concentrate all his energies towards building his assets, which he is so good at.

Second – The women become this way after getting married into affluent families or may be the nouveau riche

The assumption remains that the women do not start out to be affluent, but happen to gain it by a matter of chance accompanied by complete ignorance as to how the wealth comes by. Their supreme worry or involvement remains in maintaining their ‘status’. This is done through the strutting of property and jewelry, in which ever measure. So by marrying into a family that apparently doesn’t care for money, it leaves these poor women with only one occupation as described above. The men in this case, have little choice, as they have forever seen women around them behaving in the similar – snobbish manner and their wives (as expected) follow the routine.

Coming to the nouveau riche, they understand that money is hard to come by, but the fact that they so desperately want to fit “in” to the elite or the affluent circles is so high that it once again drives them towards the main occupation of maintaining their status. The men here, may or may not be driven by this want of status and hence are a parti to the whole status game.

Third – These women were simply born this way and those poor rich men didn’t have a choice

We come to the third possibility, where the men just got married to women whose prime occupation has always been to maintain an extremely snobbish and repulsive ways of life. Assuming that their husbands are affluent enough to support their whims, they simply improve (oops, deteriorate) with age. Hence, the man has very less choice in order to maintain his peace, but to comply with all the materialistic demands.

It is alarming and amusing to watch people make a complete cake of their lives, just to satisfy the society or merely to fit in. What makes me wonder is that who is this Society that we so desperately want to please. No society ever comes for one’s rescue in times of need, then what is the use of confirming to these norms? My example above, simply touches a small strata of people, but when I think of people at large, there are “societal pressures” everywhere and many a times we are forced to comply. Many a times, I agree to these norms, not because I believe in some such stuff, but simply to avoid hurting my close ones. If a number of people of my generation find it comfortable to settle away from India, or are termed as brash for not confirming to the rules and regulations, then they want to live a care-free and no-frills attached life of their own and truly upon their own terms. To break these stereotypes, without altering the fabric of our culture, is close to impossible. But, trying to maintain a fine balance between the two is not easy, but possible and I am constantly working at it.

Driven by Destiny

Rain on a hot summer day can result in thinking about myriad things. The effects of these ruminations on my usual prosaic self ended up forming the essence of this post, but now I seem to be at a loss for words. Frankly, this blog started about nothing in particular and just some rambling in general and just like a pleasant breeze took an interesting turn.

I usually think I am sane, well for that matter who doesn’t consider oneself sane… you should not ask such questions… but am sure one person who wants to oppose this fact with the greatest vehemence will be my sis. Actually, it so happens that siblings seem to be the worst effected lot and subjected to a certain degree of torture. This statement could actually worry you, but hey, the torture is primarily in the form of some of the choicest abuses that one bestows on your sibling.

So choice of a sibling is one such thing where we totally lack choice. God just destines and there you end up having so and so person for your bro/sis. My sis accuses me of asking for a baby sis when all the while she was going to be born a boy. She believes (please read those words with a certain pronounced emphasis) that back then I was a much better person (let’s just discount such assumptions..) and hence God granted my wish. This is just one small example to prove what kind of arguments and accusations are part of the sibling fight. As sisters, we fought and well at one time if I thought I was getting better at arguments and contemplated a career in law then I think I knew what/who was responsible for this. Well, there are advantages too.

As I don’t have a brother, I can’t throw much light on that, but have seen that brothers who have major physical fights with their sisters as children (at least most of them do) turn out to be fiercely protective brothers who don’t want their sisters to have anything to do with a guy (What double standards rt?!? ). At least I see a number of my cousin brothers being fiercely protective of me and they mean more than cousins to me. In a way, didn’t miss not having a brother too much.

Having a younger sister myself, let me admit, we fought. Had major fun and drove ma mad at times. But then, there is something that no one else can possibly fill in for. The cover ups from parents, innumerable tales about school, college and work, the frustrations, the struggle and all the victories; a whole gamut of precious moments shared only with a sibling. My mother and father both have a lot of siblings and they are all very close, touchwood! There is a stark difference between their generation and ours. My friends dominate my immediate circle more than my cousins and the nuclear families that we are now into, only makes it more necessary to have friends, who mean a lot to you. My sister and my friends form this support for me that my mom gets from her siblings.

This post is about siblings and it would not be complete if I don’t write about my sister. She is five years my junior, but over time that gap has diminished. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that my baby sister has grown up, but I am glad that it happened. She is the harshest of critics that could have ever existed. I am a follower of the Sun sign theory and have seen it for the umpteenth time that a Sagittarian and a Capricorn can never have a harmonious relationship. With our current distance, me living far away from home, we seem to have mellowed down. I am sure that this will diminish at a radioactive rate when we start living nearby. I don’t mind that. She is one of the most sensible girls for her age and extremely intelligent and humorous with a razor sharp wit, that can hurt you if you are not careful. I can write a lot about her and one might think I am biased, but ask her if you don’t believe me, I am very stingy with appreciations especially about her.

So let me end this post right away, before I am forced to delete it. It is tough to accept that your worst enemy is your best friend. What do you have to say sis?

This post is for ya!

All the best Coo :*

Unfathomable relations

Has this ever happened to you that you are friends, rather much more than that, for a long, long time and suddenly you realise that somewhere down the line, you have lost that spark?

There are some set of friends whom I value a lot. Being the person who finds it immensely difficult to express my feelings verbally, I may not always admit that these people matter. I have known these people for a really long time now. Some of them have even integrated with my family and yet, over the past couple of years there has been a distance. Something, that is not tangible but perceivable. Initially, this was very tough to accept, but then I do today.

People change with time, but I have maintained that the core should not. Self-perception has always intrigued me and I have remained forever concerned with it. I know from that that I have not changed at the core. But, then I see my once closest friends do not realise this and perceive me differently. Yes, they have changed, I can see that. Priorities change with time and things that once mattered most don’t seem to matter much. But then I am not very happy and convinced that this should cost me some of my most precious friendships.

There are some of my friends with whom I seem to maintain a continuum. Its like I speak to them after a month or sometimes half a year skips by and yet when we say that “hello”,the time lag seems to have shrunk. It doesn’t matter that we have not talked for a long time now, what matters is that in the now each know what the other means. There is a sense of relation and understanding. I have lost a friend due to what I might call quirks of life and not sure when can I ever talk to him again. I seem to have lost the other, but not physically. But the mental connection is not the same. The frequency or wavelength or the chemistry is starkly missing. Yup used a lot of scientific words. But the fact remains that it hurts to know this.

Can anyone possibly answer why?

PS: I realised this after I posted, its a leap year and today is 29th. What an irony, if I just want this blog to be forgotten and lost !

To the “New” life!

Sitting here in this hotel room if there is one thing that I realise it is this - If there is anything that’s permanent then it is’ Change’.

There is a sudden change in my being, my life, my relationships how I used to look at them and how I see them now. I am at the beginning of a completely new chapter in my life that once started would never ever come back to where I am today. Strangely, I have no complaints against it either. I suppose somewhere down inside there was this want for things to change, to start this new chapter.

I love my life!

Initial Impressions

Friends – In our times, they are an integral part of ones life. Life is totally unimaginable without them. Grading them or rating them would be demeaning them, but then there is something called the spark or chemistry or wavelength match that tells us, yes we are friends for life. I can depend on this person to understand what I meant to say.

I have noticed that my experience in finding some people who are now my friends in the truest sense and have known me well over the years has been pretty common. In the sense, my initial hesitations or the initial impressions with all of them have been remarkably same. One of my closest friends has been with me in all my trials and tribulations (uff!!  What a word!!!) or rather has seen all my whims and fancies for a decade now. I first saw her in one of those dingy coaching center offices and for some reason found her different. Later the same day, saw her at the bus stop talking to a common friend. Something made me wary of her and also inquisitive and I ended up asking “You from second year?”. She did seem like a know-all, I-care-a-damn attitude person, so thought it had to be a senior. Well, that was the start and we didn’t look back again.

Another such instance is of another close friend. Back in engineering college, when boys were a pest and the class guys abhor able, I developed a keen dislike for this guy who was my class mate. His attitude was what struck me and I hated it, because he despised the girls (especially in his class) too. A long story and he is now one of my amazing friends. The start with “abhorring” feeling has happened in the case of many others too.

The best part of these relations is that even though we tend to neglect and loose touch for a few months, when we meet again or talk to each other after a while the magic recreates itself and time becomes such a trivial thing. We are now what we were a while ago. That’s the beauty I live for.

There are many such examples and when I look back, my coterie is formed of such people whom I thought were arrogant, strong headed and decided “not my types”. May be I felt threatened. I now realize how much they are “me” and represent my reflections with their unique strokes to make them that much more desirable. The initial negative attraction was also some kind of instinct, is what I would say. Kind of proves the Conservation of Energy concept – Energy can not be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another. My friends are the family I have chosen, hand-picked, carefully nurtured, they have known me, loved me, hated me and are a part of me.

This post is dedicated to all my friends and the lovely synergy I share with each one of them.